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♥ Thursday, August 27, 2009
The Boy, The Cow, and The FSM, Episode 3

In the previous episode...
The boy is left bewildered by the FSM's sudden departure, and just when he starts to doubt his sanity, he meets Cow, the self-professed pirate and one of the FSM's closest followers. She proffers to induct the boy into her pirate group, and even without a proper reply from the boy, she conscripts him anyway.
What will happen next?



Cow looked around, slightly worried, for there was only green pasture for miles around, and no sign of uncowly civilization.
"Er, Cow, what are you looking for?"
"A waaaaaay ouuuuuut of thiiiiis plaaaace...." Cow mooed. "There are only cooooows here. We neeeeed to find a huuuuumaaaan tooooown..."
"Why?" Every second that passed was leaving the boy increasingly flummoxed.
"Beeeecause...." and Cow let the sentence hang there for a while, while she cast her head around with something fairly similar to despair(but cows don't despair as humans do, so that is hardly an appropriate term). "We neeeeed to get to the mooooooooo....." She dragged her moo, now almost a plea for help, for at least half a minute, then - "...oooon."
"The...moon?"
"Yes, the mooooon." Her eyes were darting about frantically now.
"Er... why do we need to go to a human town to get to the moon?" The boy didn't mention that he thought it impossible for a cow and a boy(in particular a cow), both of whom lacked any space training, to get to the moon in the first place.
Cow snapped irritably(though the effect was a weird one because of her long drawl), "Well, coooows can't fly, caaaaan they?" She offered no other reply.
The boy thought it best not to mention that humans couldn't either(and spaceships wouldn't be located in any old town).
"Ahhhhh haaaa!" Cow let out a whoop(or what seemed like a whoop, for cows don't whoop as humans do) of triumph.
"Where?"
"Noooot where, but hoooooow. I have found ouuuut hoooow to get toooo a town." The sides of her lips curled up into what seemed like a grin(for cows don't grin like humans do), a there was a certain gleam in her eyes, that of victory and success and exultation.
"Well," said the boy, slightly exasperated and getting impatient, "how then?"
"Together we shaaaal scoooour the pastures. Staaaanding here won't heeelp. Yoooooou only can seeee greeeeeen from heeeere..." Cow twitched her ears. "If weeee gooo on the mooove we willll definiiiiiitely find it...."
The boy thought that he could have suggested that half an hour ago, but thought it wise not to say anything, and just give a vague nod of his head.
"Let us set oooooff, then! MOoooooooo....." Cow threw back her head with relish, and let her moo resonate across the plains and ring in the boys ears.
"Right," said the boy, and he knew with unwavering certainty that they would never get to town.


But, as always, the boy had a knack for getting things horribly wrong, and this time proved to be no exception. Within a little less than twenty minutes the distant spires and buildings rose up against the pale blue sky, and every minute saw them growing bigger, until finally they loomed overhead, tall and impressive, almost intimidating.
They stood before the gate. It read, paint peeling of the metalwork, "DOGVILLE". The boy thought this strange because this town was obviously located beside a pasture full of cows, not dogs.
"Ahhhhh..." Cow sighed, and her eyes were lost in that dreamy, faraway look. "I reeeemember my first tiiiiiiime heeeere....."
"You've been here?" The boy was mildly surprised. The expanse of grass was huge; why would a cow wander into town when heaven was more than 20 hectares all round?
"Oh, yeeees... In my preeevious life..."
"I..I beg your pardon?" the boy coughed.
"My previous life...Yooouuu knooow.... the oppooooosite of afterlife...."
"Your - excuse me?" The boy was utterly bamboozled, not because he didn't believe in an afterlife, but because he couldn't imagine anyone who'd reincarnate into a cow.
"Oh, dooon't act daaaaft... I waaaas reeeaaally preeeety baaaack then... A huuuman too.... My naaaame used to beeeee Grace Muuuuuulligan... I waaaas running away from my faaather, then I foooound this tooown in the middle of nowhere in sooome mountainous region...theeeey tooook me in but forced me to dooooo physical labooooour...." Here her muzzle quivered.
The boy was too perplexed to speak, and so lapsed into an incredulous silence.
"Theeey mistreeeeated meeee..... Buuut then my faaather came.... He waaas a gaaang leader... We reuunnited and burnt dooown the toooown...We killlled everyone...Except ooone...."
The boy felt a slight chill run down his spine. It was hard to imagine the cow that was standing before him as a woman who walked around setting things aflame and murdering people. It was almost funny, and the boy would have laughed, if not for the graveness in Cow's voice.
"Buuut," continued Cow, "His Nooooodliness naturally wooooouldn't staaaaand fooooor that. I waaaas maaade to repent, and waaas glaaaad I diiiid. The fiiiirst tiime He tooouched meee with His Nooooodly Appendage was wheeen heee toook away my huuuman booody and fiiirst life.... I waaaas rebooorn as a cooow, and haaaave beeeen with His Nooooooodliness ever since.....Moooo..."
The tone in her voice had lifted somewhat, so the boy felt that it was safe to venture further. "What about Dogsville?"
Cow seemed to sniff(for cows don't sniff as humans do). "Whaaat abooout it...?"
"Well, you said that you burnt it down but obviously it's still standing here so how come it's still here? And I thought it was in a mountainous region?" the boy said.
"Ahhh...His NOooodliness rebuilt Dogville, of course, but then heeee reaalised that the original miiddle of nowhere where the toooown was originally loooocated had been developed into a national paaaark, so He planted the toooown in anooother middle of nowhere, thaaaat issss, heeereee...."
The boy listened to this in silence, digesting all that he had just heard.
Finally, he came to the conclusion that Cow wasn't just any old cow.


*In the next episode of The Boy, The Cow, and The FSM:
WHAT are the boy and Cow going to do at Dogville? HOW are they going to get to the moon? And WHAT does getting to the moon have to do with pirates?

Blogged @ 8:12 PM




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